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Real Answers™
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Copyright: © 2007 Gary Hardaway
645 words

WHEN "I DO" IS NOT ENOUGH

By: Gary Hardaway

Jason and Julia (not their real names), having decided to get married, asked Pastor Mark to officiate at their wedding.  The pastor was honored. At the same time he explained that before he could commit himself he would want to lead them through several sessions of marriage preparation. 

That presented a problem. The couple had already set the date, which was fast-approaching. Could they get through the pre-marriage training in less than two weeks? Pastor Mark sadly informed them that there was no way to cram eight two-hour sessions and several written assignments into a few days.

Jason and Julia were deeply disappointed—and a little miffed. They recognized Pastor Mark was trying to help them build a solid foundation for their marriage, but they didn't believe they needed much mentoring. It seemed like Pastor Mark didn't appreciate them as mature adults who knew what they were doing. They found another pastor to conduct the wedding.

This scenario occurs daily across the nation. Increasingly, pastors require engaged couples to complete a fairly intensive program of premarital counseling and mentoring. Some also require the couple to attend church worship services during their preparation period. Couples with little interest in spiritual matters are advised to have a civil ceremony. 

Dennis Rainey, President of FamilyLife, and author of Preparing for Marriage, explains the growing emphasis on premarital mentoring.

". . . Bad things happen when . . . couples [get] married without learning critical relational skills. . . . It boils down to this: people don't know how to be married." American culture, says Rainey, "emphasizes individuality over responsibility" Young people are growing up in fractured families, not learning the basics of trusting, self-sacrificing love "for better for worse." "I do" is easily said; it takes character and commitment to keep the vows.

What does "for better, for worse" really mean? What does "love" mean? Pastors like Rainey teach that "love" is not an exciting feeling (which can change as easily as a thermometer) but a daily discipline of choosing to respect and cherish one's partner, especially when one doesn't feel like it.

Jason and Julia need to explore their own history in depth. What factors led to Julia's previous divorce? To what extent did she contribute to the failure? Has she taken responsibility for her part in the breakdown? Does she need to seek forgiveness from her former husband for specific hurtful actions?

Has Jason, who has been jailed twice for domestic violence, really overcome his tendency to explode? Has he learned to handle disagreements in a mature manner? Prior to meeting Julia, why did he drift in and out of a number of sexual relationships? Do he and Julia understand that this habit endangers lifelong partnership? Does he need to seek forgiveness from former girlfriends?

Julia and Jason are "living together." Pastor Mark would teach them the biblical view that sex is a sacred privilege for married people, while premarital sex violates God's design and purpose. He would ask them to separate until they are wed.

Some might strenuously object to Pastor Mark "imposing" his biblical standards on the couple. But let's remember: they asked him to function as their minister. They cannot demand that he ignore his Christian principles and perspectives. 

The New Testament sets a high standard. Men are instructed to "love your wives just as Christ loved the church." All are reminded to "honor God with your body." Sexual discipline before marriage trains couples to give themselves more wholly, joyfully, and appreciatively to each other in marriage.

A wedding is over in a few hours; a marriage succeeds or fails during the following months and years. This thorough spiritual approach focuses on building the marriage for a lifetime. 75% of couples who attend seven or more sessions report that the experience helped their marriage.   

Gary Hardaway is executive director of Summit School of Ministry in Northwest Washington. He holds a Ph. D in foundations of education and is a member of the National Association of Scholars.  He has taught in universities in the USA, Lithuania and Canada. He holds a Ph. D. in foundations of education. "Real Answers™" furnished courtesy of The Amy Foundation Internet Syndicate. To contact the author or The Amy Foundation, write or E-mail to: P. O. Box 16091, Lansing, MI 48901-6091; amyfoundtn@aol.com

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